


always where i burn to be

by mischief7manager



Series: but for now let's all pretend [4]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Male Character, Aromanticism, Character Study, Families of Choice, Gen, Platonic Relationships, kima is an enormous lesbian but grog doesn't know that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 04:44:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5954086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischief7manager/pseuds/mischief7manager
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Look, Grog’s a simple man. All this stuff about feelings, what makes people go sappy over each other, it’s nothing to him. He’s never got the appeal of romance and the like, being all mushy and gross with someone. A good tumble and a mug of ale, that’s all he needs. That lovey-dovey bullshit can keep to people who’re interested in it. Which isn’t him. Just to be clear."</p>
<p>A character study.</p>
            </blockquote>





	always where i burn to be

**Author's Note:**

> Getting in Grog's head was both more difficult and more entertaining than I expected. Title from "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins, used by Travis Willingham in his Grog character playlist. Spoilers through episode 41.

     Look, Grog’s a simple man. All this stuff about  _ feelings _ , what makes people go sappy over each other, it’s nothing to him. He’s never got the appeal of romance and the like, being all mushy and gross with someone. A good tumble and a mug of ale, that’s all he needs. That lovey-dovey bullshit can keep to people who’re interested in it. Which isn’t him. Just to be clear. 

     It’s not that there’s not people he likes. There’s Pike. And Scanlan. And the rest of them, usually. Alright, even Vax. They’re good fighters, which he respects, and they’ve bought him ale, which he respects even more. If he’s honest, he’d probably go down fighting for any of them. Even Vax. It’s made him better, working with a group. He forgot how to do that for a while, when he left the clan and it was just him and a bunch of gnomes. Having seven fighters at your back means you can take on bigger and badder than you could on your own. He hates to admit it, but no way could he have taken down that shithead Beholder by himself, or that white dragon. Either of those white dragons. They fight  _ a lot _ of dragons, is what he’s getting at. And it helps having a team. 

     Bigger targets also means bigger payouts. That doesn’t hurt.

 

* * *

 

     There’s really only a few things Grog looks for in a tumble-buddy. One, are they hot? And two, can they fight?

     The first is the only definite requirement. But if the answer to the second is yes, the first is usually yes, too. 

     What can he say? He’s got a weakness for people, especially ladies, that could give him a run for his money on the battlefield. Like Kima, for example. Lady Kima could probably kick his teeth in and he’d thank her for the privilege. The way she handles that sword of hers?  _ Wow _ . She is sort of tiny, but they can work that out. Grog can be very creative when he wants to be. If you know what he means.

     ‘Course, then it turns out Kima and Allura have some kind of thing going on. Maybe. Tiberius thinks so, but Tiberius gets kind of stupid about Allura, so he might not be the best judge. All Grog knows is Kima walks away when he offers. A shame, really. He hasn’t done it with a halfling in a while. It’d be just awful to let his skills get rusty.

 

* * *

 

     So Pike ditches them to go do her magic glowy shit on her own. Which is fine. It’s not like, you know, they’re inseparable or anything. They’re not Vex and Vax, they don’t have to be in each other’s line of sight all the time or they start having fucking panic attacks. And they’re definitely not into each other or anything like that, no matter what people might’ve thought in the beginning. (Which. Ew. It’s  _ Pike _ .) 

     It’s fine that she wants to stay in some boring-ass temple with some boring-ass people doing boring-ass cleric things instead of staying with the group. Good, even. With her not around, Grog can do the really reckless shit, the kind she’d try and stop him from doing if she was here. Which she’s not. So he gets in a fight with Kern the Hammer, because why the fuck not. What’s he got to lose? 

     His pride, apparently. It’s been awhile since he got taken down like that, and not even by like, a Beholder or something. Just a half-orc piece of shit who stayed standing when he should’ve gone down. It’s nice that the others buy him drinks and a whore and all, good effort on their part, but he can’t help feeling like there’s something missing from his after-battle mourning. 

     He definitely doesn’t spend the evening waiting to see a flash of white hair out of the corner of his eye. And if he does, well. He just keeps drinking.

 

* * *

 

     Grog doesn’t hate Vax. 

     Really.

     Mostly.

     It’s just, okay. The rest of them all give Grog shit for running off when he’s not supposed to, but Grog can handle himself, right? He’s fucking huge, it’s what he does, takes hits and gives ‘em right back. He’s good at it, too. But Vax gets an idea in his head and bolts and all he has are his dinky little daggers and he gets his ass handed to him, and then he does it all the fuck over again. And then there’s the  _ Keyleth _ thing.

     Seriously, if Grog has to watch those two make googly eyes in the middle of something important one more  _ fucking _ time, he’s gonna gouge his own eyes out and then throw up. It’s so obvious, even  _ he _ picked up on it, but somehow Vax and Keyleth don’t know that they’re both equally stupid over each other. And then there’s Vex, getting all pissy every time they get within ten feet of one another, honestly, it’s just bringing down the whole tone of the group. 

     Maybe he’d be more understanding if he, um, understood, or whatever, but he’s never got the romance thing, no matter how many times it’s been explained to him. He’s sort of put it in the same place in his brain as Percy’s tinkering or Keyleth’s druid stuff. He doesn’t really get it, but it doesn’t really affect him, so he doesn’t think about it too much. If people want to be idiots about other people, more power to them. It’s only when they get obnoxious about it that he makes it his business, because hey. Any chance to try and get Vax back, he’s gonna take. 

     Don’t think he’s forgotten about the beard thing. He hasn’t. He’s just  _ waiting _ . 

 

* * *

 

     People think Grog doesn’t care about doing the right thing, and it pisses him off, because it’s not true.

     He only doesn’t care about doing the right thing  _ most _ of the time.

     The world’s a fucked up place, alright? You do what you can to get what you want and maybe,  _ maybe _ , have a few people you keep an eye on, and wanting more than that ends in blood and bad shit. It’s sweet that Keyleth thinks she can yell things into being sunshine and rainbows, or that Vax thinks throwing himself into stupid shit makes him noble or whatever, but it always ends badly for them. Keyleth gets her heart broken, Vax gets his  _ everything _ broken, and the rest of them feel bad about it like it was their fault. Grog doesn’t know a lot of shit that isn’t about fighting, but he knows these people. They’re all so wrapped up in trying to be good, they don’t notice when it’s about to get them killed. No way, not for him. Let the party figure out how to save the world. He’ll stick to watching Pike’s back and killing what needs it.

     Of course, then the perfect solution to all their problems drops in his lap, and no one believes he’s being honest when he says he wants to use it. Fucking figures. 

 

* * *

 

     Grog will never admit it, ever, to  _ anyone _ , but when that green dragon slams down in front of them and he can’t seem to get a hit on it, he’s really, for the first time in a long time, really, truly afraid. 

     They’ve always pulled through before. They’ve had some close calls, with dragons and Beholders and fucking vampires. That whole thing with Pike and the treachery demon that he still can’t think about too close because it makes his chest ache like it’s been hit with a warhammer. He’s seen enough battles to know that any of them could get taken out, they’re really not all that special. But up until now, they’ve always made it out the other side. Even in the middle of battle, even when he’s been knocked out, he’s always known,  _ known _ , that they’ll be alright in the end. 

     He doesn’t know that now. He’s seen battles and battlefields, was raised to be a warrior, but watching all those people in the square just drop like that… It shakes him. He’s fought dragons, and Beholders, and  _ fucking _ vampires, but this… He can’t fight this. 

     Later, once they’ve got the Empress and the kids and Gilmore all settled, he goes looking for Vex. He finds her in the temple with Pike, tending to the wounded as best they can. “I’m not gonna say I’m sorry,” he says, and they both glance up from their work, “because I’m not.” 

     Vex sighs. For just a second, he almost  _ is _ sorry, because she looks like she’s having an even shittier day than the rest of them for some reason, but then she straightens up and gets that Vex look on her face. “What, specifically, aren’t you sorry for, Grog? For tackling Percy and scaring the shit out of me? For almost letting the thing in the skull out without so much as running it by any of us?” 

     “For keeping me out after I specifically asked to be let in?” Pike adds, and okay, ouch. That does hurt. He remembers her face as he threw the skull, and shivers for a second. He hates disappointing Pike. 

     “I was just trying to--” he starts, but Vex cuts him off.

     “To do whatever the fuck you wanted and fuck the rest of us, like you always do?” She huffs and turns away. “Congratulations, Grog, you completely succeeded.”

     Pike looks uncomfortable, but she chimes in. “You did get kind of scary in there, Grog. Like you weren’t listening to anyone. Even  _ me _ .” 

     Vex isn’t done. “Were you trying to make a shitty situation even worse? Oh, four huge dragons are enough, let’s add a fucking skull demon, what could possibly--”

     “I was trying to help!” It comes out louder than he meant it to, and Vex and Pike both jump. Grog sighs and sits down hard on a bench, dropping his head into his hands. “We’ve got four fucking dragons and a thing that can make them go away. It wanted someone touched by darkness,  _ I _ was touched by darkness. I--” He rubs a hand over his head and looks up to meet Pike’s gaze. “I don’t know if we caused this, I don’t think we did but-- I wanted to do the right thing. For once.” He looks at Vex and he sees her in that temple under Whitestone again, pale and still in his arms. He couldn’t do anything then, either. “I just wanted to help.” 

     There’s a pause. Vex and Pike look at each other, and Grog wishes he could read the conversation they’re having without saying anything. Finally Vex sighs heavily and sits down next to him. “Alright,” she says. “I forgive you.”

     Grog frowns. “I told you, I’m not gonna--”

     “Just shut up and accept it, would you?”

     Grog shuts up. Pike takes a seat on his other side and leans into his arm. “I forgive you, too, Grog.”

     Not that Grog thinks he  _ needs _ forgiveness, but. It’s nice, having them both here. Nice to have friends nearby, to know he’s not alone. 

     Whatever happens next, he’s got people at his back, people he respects. People he trusts. Let the dragons come. He’s not going down without a fight. 

**Author's Note:**

> I want it noted that I wrote the first section of this a good week and a half before episode 39 happened. Fucking dragons.


End file.
